This is a long overdue post I’ve been meaning to write about my trip to Switzerland/Italy back in early September, when I attended Teal Swan’s Synchronisation Workshop…
Being Triggered In Basel
I’d mentioned in a previous post that I felt nervous about travelling alone on this trip, even though I’ve travelled on my own many times before. I was afraid I’d get lost, or miss a train or plane or something. And when I arrived in Basel, Switzerland, the nervousness was still there. I ended up getting everywhere okay, and safely, but I also had a feeling of unease in Basel. A soft voice was whispering in my ear- “I don’t like it here”. And I had this penetrating feeling of loneliness.
I attended Teal Swan’s workshop there in Basel, and it was amazing. The dominant topics that came up were self- worth/self-love, acceptance of love, and being present, and they felt like significant topics for me.
I’d mentioned before that I dreamt of Teal before seeing her in person in London. I’d said it was prophetic. Well, in the dream, Teal’s eyes looked unreal- like they were not of a human’s. They looked piercing. And I was afraid of what she’d see, looking at me, knowing she had extra sensory ability and all. But she barely glanced at me, and looked away.
When I awoke, I was surprised. I knew this dream indicated that there were parts of me that I didn’t accept; that I thought were monstrous, that I was afraid Teal would see. In the London workshop, seeing her in person for the first time, I was surprised again, to notice her eyes appeared to me like in my dream. And like in my dream, her eyes glazed over me.
I’d heard that Teal takes the time during book signings to write everyone a personalized note about what she perceives. I was impressed that she’d take the time and energy to do that, and I was curious what she’d say about me. I wasn’t able to get my book signed in London, but I was able to in Basel.
When I met her in Switzerland, I was nervous, but tried to push that aside (unsuccessfully) to connect with her. I was immediately devastated when I perceived that she greeted me with an energy of discomfort, with a “Nice to meet you too,” that sounded strained. And when I looked at her note, I saw that she had written that I “..have the most beautiful hands”. I was disappointed that she didn’t write anything about my energy. I took it as someone telling an ugly person they “have a nice personality”. I was crushed. And I was what Teal (and Abraham Hicks) would call “triggered”. I’ve been dealing with issues of self- worth lately, so it was funny how that was the topic du jour during the workshop, and then I ended the event being “triggered” by Teal herself.
I realized afterwards that I’d put expectations on this event, and it was because of that that I found myself disappointed. And I’d thought that what I needed was encouragement at that time. But I realize now that even though words of praise from people around me helps, it doesn’t ultimately seal a sense of validation in me. I also realize that even if Teal did see something in me that repulsed her and caused her to reject me, that still would not determine my worth. No guru, or seer, or anyone can tell you you are worthless. And perhaps, that was what this experience was meant to gift me with. Perhaps rather than nurturing, I needed some roughing up, so I that I could assert my worth myself.
Italy, I Love You
The next day, some people from Teal’s workshop planned to get together in the afternoon. I’d considered joining them, but instead, I decided to leave Basel. As I’d mentioned before, being there felt very off to me, and I thought it’d be best to honor those feelings by leaving. So, instead of joining people from the workshop, I went with my suitcase to the train station to see if I could leave Switzerland earlier than originally planned. Luckily I was able to do that easily, and I was on my way.
As soon as I arrived in Lake Como in Italy, I felt at ease. I’ve been to Italy a few times now, and I was happy to be back. I thought to myself, “I love Italy!”. Lake Como is so beautiful and relaxing. It may now be my favorite place in Italy. The soft voice whispered in my ear again, “We like it here. Let’s come back”. I spent a whole day there on my own, before my husband Henry joined me the following day. It was like getting the best of both worlds, experiencing a place on your own, then with someone you love. And it was interesting to find that even though I was alone there, I was not lonely (in contrast to my experience in Basel).
I noticed that contrast, and I thought about this concept of the “genius loci”. In ancient Rome, they believed that places had a guardian spirit called a “genius loci”. And they even believed that people had their own guardian spirits. I used to live with my best friend Kate, and after moving out, when I’d visit her, it would feel good to be back in the apartment. Kate is a very intuitive woman, and she said she felt the urge to say on the apartment’s behalf, “You are welcome here”. We’ve both felt the presence of spirits in the place. So my theory is that when we vibe with a place, or dislike a place, it may be because we are responding to our chemistry with the guardian spirit- the genius loci.
We Cannot Live On Light Alone
When Henry joined me in Lake Como, I talked with him over breakfast about my experience with Teal Swan, and how it made me realize how much lack of self-worth I have. I told him I thought I needed to do affirmations. And then he said, “I think you know and acknowledge your good aspects. It’s the shadows you need work with accepting. We cannot live on light alone”. That was a revelatory comment. I’d mentioned that I was surprised about my dream with Teal. I really thought in my conscious state that Teal would probably recognize the light aspects of me, but my subconscious exposed my self-shame of my darkness.
When I reflected on the incident, the thought occurred to me that maybe all of us (or most of us) have a mix of self-love and self-hate. There is a part of us that very much knows our worth, and part of us that also feels lacking in that regard. When we talk about “loving ourselves”, maybe it’s not so cut and dry as- one person loves themselves while another doesn’t. Maybe it’s really a mixed bag for all of us. We all have our shadows.
So after Lake Como, Henry and I spent some time in Milan before catching our plane back to London. I had been to Milan once before, and it felt good to be back. “Milan, it’s nice to see you again!”, I thought. We eagerly stopped at Il Meneghello while we were in town. This is a shop owned by artist and fellow tarot enthusiast Osvaldo Menegazzi, and this place truly is a tarot gem. Menegazzi, with his artistic passion for tarot, recreated old tarot decks, and designed new ones. He’s also crafted beautiful boxes, and created posters. It was such a treat to go to his store and meet him! I decided to buy a deck that is one of his designs, and his recreation of a more modern deck that is currently out of print. His work is more for collectors than for readers, but I still intend to use his cards in my readings.
So that was my journey, everyone! Until next time.